Axioms to Life in the Big Apple

1. There is an inverse relationship between the speed of the subway train that you are on and the loudness of the loony on it with you.

2. The vehicle horn is the de facto language.

3. Lane markers are mere decoration. Many thanks to John S. for this, and the next, observation

4. Pedestrian signs are a waste of electricity, as everyone just walks where they bloody well please (quite amazing given the next fact).

5. Taxis are suicidal kamikazes.

6. NYC is really just the surface skin of a monstrous alien (and you just thought it was a comet that killed the dinosaurs, my friend? The truth is much more insidious), regularly the alien opens pores (or mouths, if you like) in the form of potholes and swallows hapless cars and humans alike, sucking them into the dark, hellish depths of its bowels to be digested at its leisure.

7. There is no good Mexican food in NYC.

8. However, there is some damn fine pizza.

9. Just because some guys from FDNY and NYPD (may they rest in peace) died in 9/11, doesn't make the rest of them all superheros, necessarily. There is corruption and incompetence in both agencies.